To Whom It May Concern,
You’re welcome in advance for the advice I’m about to dispense. Undoubtedly, it will save you many hours trying to “figure things out” on your own and will likely save your life at least twice. I’ve boiled everything you need to know about visiting Australia into four key points:
1.) Everything there can and will kill you (e.g., sharks, spiders, snakes, scorpions, rays, dingos, children, etc).
2.) 18+ hours is a long time to be on a plane. I would suggest push ups and other calisthenics (for a whole hour) alternating ever other hour that isn’t a prime number, to prevent deep vein thrombosis. Also, as much Aspirin as you can fit in your mouth at one time.
3.) Contrary to popular belief, koala bears are nasty creatures that hate humans. Through millions of years of evolution, they have evolved an interesting tactic of luring prey close to them by being unbearably cute. Do not fall for this. They will eat your face.
4.) Kangaroos love to be ridden. They consider it rude NOT to ride them.
Again, you’re welcome.